It was easy to understand “no”; it was a straightforward answer. There was no ambiguity in it. The same is the case with “yes”. Simple. Like right and wrong. Black and white. The only problem was that everyone else didn’t care about easy as much as Ayo did.
Ayo was at the end of his rope when Vanessa came over. They’d talked about what her coming over meant for the decision they had to make and he was relieved she was onboard. He rarely got her to decide easily so this was a huge score for him.
But when she finally sat across from him, he knew everything they had talked about made zero impact on her.
“But we talked about this.” He said trying hard to stay calm.
Vanessa shrugged. She had the annoying way of making serious things look like nothing and Ayo was tired of it.
He was a bit surprised that he was willing to get upset rather than walk away. Because for as long as he could remember, he’d prioritised peace of mind in his life, and anything that threatened that had to leave, even if it took him walking away.
That was what he believed in. Clear yes’s or no’s. No in-betweens. Because he’d been in the in-between space before, long enough to know that nothing good ever happened there.
And he could count the number of times he’d walked away from some things that looked good in his life – friends, romantic relationships, projects – just because he couldn’t make up his mind about them.
And that sure simplified is life. He was contented most days, slept soundly through the night and could interact with anyone without fearing that later, the ambiguity of his words might be taken out of context.
But with Vanessa, things were different.
From the day he met her, she had towed the line between right and wrong. She walked the line so perfectly that he found it amusing how anyone could live like that.
Then it got trickier as he got to know her better. He began to see what life at the middle looked like. Before, it was either a good thing to do or a bad thing; that was where he got his direction in life from. But Vanessa was wired differently.
Growing up in a non-religious home that didn’t really care about the afterlife made growing up for her as real as possible, she had told him. And by real she meant natural. Where whatever kept you alive was the right thing, not what others considered to be “right”.
Vanessa stood up, pulling his attention back to the room. She walked over to him and sat beside him.
“Okay. Let’s start over.”
“To what end? It seems we’ll just go around in circles and still end up here.”
She laughed softly, “not this time, I promise.”
He finally understood why he’d stayed with her. He loved her. It was the only explanation. Seeing her smile made him relax.
He remembered something Vanessa told him when they started getting serious…
“You are good guy, Ayo, and that’s part of why I like you. But I’m not a good girl. You have to understand that.”
He asked her what she meant and she looked at him like the answer was obvious.
“I’ll do whatever I have to do, in my job as a lawyer and in my personal life. I’ll do those things with the best of intentions but the way I want to.” She paused and took in his reaction.
“Most times,” she continued when he said nothing, “I won’t be on any side of your line. Because most times, I live in the grey area.”
He thought about leaving that day but there was something about her that he appreciated. Honesty? Bluntness? Maybe both.
“Okay,” he said now, “let’s start over.”
“First of all, you need to understand that to do this, there is no right or wrong.” She said, daring him to object.
He swallowed, “Let’s do this.”
